The Journey to Loving Me

Last night I stayed up way too late looking through old Facebook photos and pictures of myself on my phone, noting the beauty I found in each one. Sounds really conceited, right?

For me, no. This for me is a huge breakthrough, because I did not look at each picture that looked good. I looked at Every. Single. Picture. And noted the beauty in all of them.

Since I was little I have had a lot of self-hatred. I thought I was ugly, and the people who would tell me otherwise I thought were looking past my outside and commenting on my personality, character, etc. and saying that I was pretty in spite of my outward appearance. I didn't think that way all of the time, but I spent a large majority of my time in this mindset.

My version of beauty came from how I was dressed, how my hair looked, and how my makeup was done. When every hair was in place, I would feel beautiful. And the crazy thing is, I spent a very long time dressing poorly and not wearing makeup. I thought that as long as I was aware I wasn't pretty, I didn't have to dress to pretend like I was. My outside reflected what I thought about myself.

My daily routine used to look something like this:
1. Wake up in the morning feeling rough, walk into the bathroom, and wonder how I could be so unattractive. Hope that I could transform myself through the process of putting on makeup, fixing my hair, and finding cute clothes.
2. Get ready and think I was actually looking pretty that day.
3. Get in the car and see myself in the harsh sunlight and immediately be let down a bit.
4. Walk past a building that had floor-to-ceiling glass and evaluate myself again. Lost a little bit more self-esteem.
5. Hang out with people (we're talking close, intimate friends) and go to the bathroom at some point. Stand and stare in the mirror and wonder how they could be friends with someone so unattractive.
6. Leave the bathroom and try to interact like nothing was wrong.
7. Go home and see what the day had done to my appearance. Realize people saw me that way.
8. Take off my makeup and return to the unattractive state of that morning.

Okay, so now that you know this background, let me tell you why I've said all of this. Why last night I was able to go through all of those pictures and see beauty.

My faith has always been the most important thing in my life. My identity and my faith in Jesus cannot be separated. For the past few months, I have allowed Him as much access as He wants, and He has been molding my heart. I have known for years that I had a self-hatred problem but didn't know what to do about it. But this past summer I let down my walls and found growth in many areas. I have been evaluating my patterns of thought, listening to messages by amazing, people, and spending time in worship. Let me tell you, when you start listening to what God thinks of you, it's difficult to keep thinking incorrect thoughts of yourself. I prayed a lot for God to change my view of myself, and He totally opened my eyes. I know that He did some practical things, like show me that I love my friends and think they're beautiful regardless of what state they're in. He showed me that this is true about me as well.

But more than just depositing truths about media, perceptions of others, etc., he put in me a love for myself. I don't really know how to describe it other than that. Last night I was engaging in my nightly evaluation of myself in the mirror and looked and realized that I thought I was beautiful. I was in pain from muscles in my leg, I was a day overdue for washing my hair, and I had a bit of a glazed-over homework look, but I still saw beauty. And I realized that it had been there all along, and knew that I had a choice never to go back to my old way of thinking. God had renewed my mind.

So it may sound arrogant, but I know I'm beautiful. (Oh, and in case this post was too roundabout of a way to say it, you are, too. Ravishingly beautiful.)

One of my favorite verses: Song of Solomon 4:9-10 "You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride; you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much better is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your oils than any spices!"